Insomnia

I can't sleep, which sucks because I'm really tired, and its only Tuesday, and the boys will not be sleeping in for me tomorrow. I can't stop my stupid brain from thinking about everything and nothing.

My biggest thoughts right now are about Luis. He is going to start working 10 hour days instead of 9, plus every Saturday morning from 5-9. I don't know how I fell about it. Ok, thats a lie, I hate the idea. Sure it means an extra $100 a week, which is nothing to scoff at...but I don't really feel like we NEED it need it, and I'm not sure its worth it. He can choose to either start at 5 instead of 6, or stay until 4:30 instead of 3:30. The spoiled, selfish person in me (and lets face it, thats often the one in control) wants him to start earlier, cause it won't really affect me. Except, of course, that he falls asleep on the couch by 8-ish every night as it is, I can't imagine how it would be if he were getting up an hour earlier. The whole thing makes me grouchy, and I always end up feeling like a bitch. I try to be nice and understanding, and I know I should be grateful that he is willing to work so hard for us (and I TRULY am!) so why can't I stop being so bitchy all the time? I really don't deserve him, or my kids. They all deserve someone better, with more patience.

Tonight I had a new thought to consume my worried mind. He was once again falling asleep on the couch, unable to keep himself awake at 8:30...and it dawned on me. Come January, he will be starting work at 6am, driving straight to Concord from there, going to class for 2 1/2 hours, and then driving home at 8:30. By himself. In the snow. For two years...how is he going to stay awake? I have seen him fall asleep while driving before, with Taye and I in the car. It was terrifying. I don't know how we're going to, but we need to come up with some way to get him to stay awake on those rides. I'm so scared thinking about it now.

I wish there was some other way for him to get this degree, a closer school or something. Even if we had to pay for it, if its going to mean a job with twice his current salary, I think we can handle a student loan. I don't know, I'm sure this degree will be worth it, but its going to be a LONG two years. I just hope I can be the supportive, nice wife he deserves, instead of the selfish, grouchy, bitchy one he is used to. Something more to work on...